I’m stuck between now and the future… so I’m living in the past.
Maybe I really should have said goodbye so a hello wouldn’t be that awkward…
On another note, the title is from a song by Sagegas called The Girl That Made Me Happy. It’s really good, you guys should check it out!
There’s this video on Facebook and I want to share it here too, because I was not able to put captions on the one I shared there. The thing is, I was stumped because it took a long time for me to make that post go public and label with it captions that I deemed enough to say what’s my take on that, which I sadly didn’t get to do because of personal reasons.
After that moment I realized how powerless I am against personal preferences-turned-society standards that are still prevalent today. How voiceless and weak-willed I have gotten because of all the “NO” that I’ve received all these years. I cannot say I love motorcycles because the people around me deem it to be dangerous and relatively useless compared to cars which I am currently learning to drive because they said so. I cannot voice aloud how utterly illogical and downright inhumane it is to shame women because of their sexual preferences, because my religion says that a woman of worth is a woman who has not yet had sex before marriage.
I cannot voice out aloud and do things that I love, or be who I really am, because all my life, I was faced with anger, rejection, and disgust every time I tried to do those.
From my childhood the word NO was screaming at my face, and yet over time I simply forgot about it, because I hadn’t noticed how I was regressing, devolving into something that was expected of me. Until now.
So I’ll say it: I think we need to rethink the way we go about rejecting and accepting things. We need to remember, every time, the distinction between personal preferences and standards. You don’t apply standards to people. If you don’t like things, then say it straight and firm to that person’s face. No excuses. No bullshit about this is why I hate you because I’ve made it a point to abide by some standard that’s actually just some other people’s preference without really thinking about it. No passive aggressive or actions in general. Just plain say it.
With this, I also want to express my appreciation for those people who do have the courage to speak out against the fucking bullshit treatment people give to others just because they think they have the power to do so– because the current society gave them the power to do so. I may not have the same courage as you do, but one day, maybe I would not need to muster the same amount of courage because of all the progress you’ve made in abolishing those standards/changing our society. For that, thank you.
And to people like me, one day, we will find our voice again. Until then, be safe, and remember that you are not alone. There are many amongst us that are with you. Even if you won’t find your voice in this lifetime, we will be your voice. Your children could be your voice, and the future civilization could be, too. All it takes is for your flames to burn alive within you, inconspicuously or a bright blaze, it doesn’t matter whichever, because these will surely ignite the life of those singing the same melody as you.
She hates how it’s so fucking easy to fall in love, and yet a million times harder to fall out of it.
You never thought it would be possible for your feelings to escape you. Not in the sense that you can’t describe them at all; in fact, you have nothing to describe, nothing you can grasp — to hold on to. Whereas before there’s this ball of jumbled feelings weighing down in your core, now there’s nothing, and the thing that “scares” you is that it doesn’t seem as if you feel lighter — it’s as if you are disconnected, detached, from the world and yet at the same time you aren’t. You are not even sure if it’s a good thing or not, because you aren’t really just going through the motions and yet you aren’t resisting either.
If you can’t recognize it for what it is without its wrappings, you can never truly appreciate it, much less say that you really know what it is. And yet, even if you stumble upon that moment where you can say that you’ve truly seen it, in the blink of an eye, it morphs away into something else — growing, shrinking, expanding, contracting; but never disappearing.
You’re at your breaking point. For the past few days, heck no–past week and few days–you haven’t slept that well. It’s wearing you down; you can feel it in your bones, in your bloodstream, in the way your heart suddenly seems to be a fragile beating thing. You just want it to end, and yet you are not sure if the end would bring a new beginning or you’d just be stuck on a loop, doomed to repeat all the shit you’ve gone through because of your own goddamn stupidity. Whatever it is that’s making you have this resolve to fucking try and see things to the end and fucking fight, you’re quite thankful for, but not that much. It’s not the kind that makes you want to live anyway. It’s not even close to hope. But there it is. And for now, you could live with that.
It’s 4 am and I’m still not yet asleep
I’ve got things to do and yet here I am
Thinking of what to write, trying to get a grip